Monday, June 26, 2006

How do you scare this blogger's pants off?

You make him think he may be trying to pass a kidney stone...... Trust me, works like a charm.

Had a bit of a scare this weekend. I woke up sunday morning with my lower left back hurting pretty bad. At first I figured it was just a backache and that was that, but as the day wore on I started to get worried, especially when I felt the need to urinate but could only achieve a trickle Sunday afternoon. When I woke up this morning and it was still hurting, I went into panic mode. You see, I'm a frequent flyer on kidney stone express airways. I've passed a number of them over the years, my last bout was 9 years ago, but I still break out in a cold sweat when I think of the agony involved. There was a number of spots along there where I would have happily given a loaded Colt 1911A1 full-on fellatio in an effort to relieve the suffering, even though I knew that the pain would eventually go away again. IT HURTS THAT BAD. Trust me, when morphine is only barely able to take the edge off, and they tell you they can't give you any more, you know are hurting my friend.

To make matters worse, I don't tolerate surgery to remove them all that terribly well. The last time I had surgery, (nine years ago) I ended up spending a total of almost three weeks in the Hospital and I lost almost 30 pounds because I was throwing up so bad from both the kidney stones and the opiates.

So this morning I start making frantic calls to my urologist. The fine Dr. Lapin over at Baylor(I'm sure there is a joke in there somewhere. Something about rabbits and their reproductive habits. After all, is men's reproductive health not a big part of a urologist's biz nowadays?) examines me, has me fill a specemin (isn't that an italian astronaut?) cup, and sends me downstairs for a cat scan. Aside from a few cat hairs, no cats were detected, but a very small stone was detected in my left kidney. However due to the fact that there was no blood in the urine and the stone is so small, he doesn't think that is the cause of my pain. So maybe I just have a backache. I can live with that.

Hey, does anybody need a slightly used kidney?


Blogger El Capitan said...

Any luck with a lithotrypter? Those gizmos that use ultrasonic sound waves to break up the stones?

June 26, 2006 5:22 PM  
Blogger Rorschach said...

Last two times, the line for Litho was backed up three days and I was not in much of a mood to wait if'n ya know what I mean.... so he ended up doing what I describe to my oil biz collegues as a "coiled tubing job". And yes that is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.

June 26, 2006 5:29 PM  
Blogger TxGoodie said...

You still got your gallbladder? THAT pain can manifest in different ways with different people. (NO, I'm not saying you have a lot of gall....well not exactly....).

Hope it was a one shot pony!

June 26, 2006 6:36 PM  
Blogger Rorschach said...

Gall? Moi? ;D

No can't say as I've had the pleasure of that experience, and between you and me, I'd just as soon pass on it if you don't mind.... I'll just vent my gall here on the net where it belongs and call it good.

June 26, 2006 8:18 PM  
Anonymous Jim Thompson said...

Ouch. Hope you get to feeling better, Rorschach.

June 26, 2006 8:49 PM  
Blogger Pigilito said...

Pity about your reaction to the opiate analgesics the last time you went through surgery. I hope this latest stone doesn't get bigger.

June 27, 2006 1:59 AM  
Anonymous Royko said...

Now the pain will really kick in, when you get the co-pay bill.

You should have told them you were illegal, and had no insurance. They would have given you a "Gold" card, and rolled out the red carpet for you. You could have received the Royal treatment, and then not worry about any bills, as the Gringos will graciously pay for everything.

Only in America.

June 27, 2006 9:53 AM  
Blogger Matt said...

Yikes. Feel better, dude!

June 28, 2006 12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess saying it will feel better when it quits hurting is not going to help you, is it? ;)

Seriously, hope you get bettah!


June 29, 2006 12:49 PM  
Blogger Rorschach said...

Well I'm sorely tempted (pun intended) not to say anything yet, for fear of jinxing myself, but I think I may have passed it. Keeping my fingers crossed....

thanks for everything y'all.

June 29, 2006 2:54 PM  
Anonymous The Dude said...

Glad you're feeling better, dude. Two words to consider if you haven't already:

cranberry juice

It may help prevent it in the future.

June 30, 2006 9:25 AM  
Blogger Rorschach said...

Actually, I've actually kind of beaten the odds up to now. The statistics show that people who get kidney stones are something like 50% likely to have another within 3 years and 75% likely to have another within 5. I've gone nine, so I think I've done well up to now. And I believe I can attribute a lot of my success to Orange Juice. There are two main types of kidney stones, Uric Acid stones which occur when the urine is deficient in Citrate, and there are Calcium Carbonate stones, these occur when the kidneys excrete too much calcium. I get the Uric Acid type stones. The conventional treatment for this is potassium citrate pills. I'll spare you the icky bits, suffice to say they are not absorbed well in my system and leave it at that. Don't ask why I say this is true, you don't want to know.
Before the pills were introduced, doctors used to prescribe large quantities of lemonade. So I deduced that citric acid would be another way of obtaining additional citrate, hence the OJ. Since the initial pain, I started guzzling the stuff, went through a gallon in just a couple days. Also started guzzling water like a freakin camel after a long march across the desert. I do not believe I passed the stone so much as dissolved it, there was no indication that I have that any solid chunk was ever passed. If there was, it was mighty small.

June 30, 2006 9:44 AM  
Anonymous The Dude said...

"there was no indication that I have that any solid chunk was ever passed. If there was, it was mighty small."

Aye carumba! Lucky for you. I can only imagine how it would feel if it wasn't mighty small. The closest experience I've had to that was a prostate infection which basically felt like whizzing razors. Two rounds of Levaquin knocked it out, but not nearly fast enough for my comfort.

BTW... sorry for the graphic

June 30, 2006 3:44 PM  
Blogger Rorschach said...

dude, trust me on this, I've had bladder infections, it don't hold a candle to having a cyctoscope(around .25" dia) rammed up your johnson all the way to the kidney (thankfully I was asleep for that part, but the "after effects" weren't fun), having a plastic tube with a curlique on either end and a string hanging out to "retrieve" it by (a stent), left inside for a week, and then having it pulled out only to have the ureter swell closed, have to go BACK IN with a cystoscope to install ANOTHER stent and have IT left in for TWO weeks, only to swell closed again upon "exit" . thankfully the swelling was somewhat reduced and some heavy duty anti inflammatories allowed "free flow" again shortly thereafter.

Trust me, razor blades would have been easier to tolerate. hell at that point I was seriously thinking of just shoving the damned thing in a meatgrinder and getting it the hell over with, it probably would have hurt less.

You kinda have to wonder about the motivations that drive doctors into urology instead of say gynecology. Heh, in fact I recall asking my first urologist that very question just seconds before the anestesiologist (sp?) hit the light switch. I do not recall him answering the question.

June 30, 2006 10:44 PM  

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